"Of all the animals, the BOY is the most unmanageable!" ~ Plato

10.10.2008

Struggling

I've been really down lately. I'm the kind of person who likes to have a certain amount of control in her life. Not a control freak, but I like a moderate amount of control over the direction my life is headed. I have been feeling lately like my future is not something I can control. I'm talking about family. I've always wanted a large family. Some would say that I got my wish. I know I have many things to be very grateful for. Really I do. I am SO blessed to have 5 gorgeous boys. The thing that's gotten me down though is that I would love to have one more and Jared is against it. Since the beginning of our relationship, I've always said that I wanted an even number of kids. Don't know why that means anything to me but it just does. Jared was always fine with that. We had a lot of ups and downs with pregnancies and miscarriages but our family was growing and beautiful. I really thought I was done at 4 but then....SURPRISE! Brennen came along. Honestly, when I found out I was pg with Brennen, I cried! I always thought that if we had anymore, it would be planned and coordinated to give us the best chances of having a little something pink. That was not to be. Jared has told me since Brennen's birth that "Of course we can have another and try to work the odds in our favor" Not that having a daughter is the end all, be all but IF timing could be manipulated so we got a girl....great! If not, then oh well, we tried and our family would be complete.

Lately, I have been feeling like we need to just do it.....complete our family. Jared tells me that he doesn't want another one right now. WHAT?!?! This is the first time....EVER, that I've felt like my biological clock is ticking and he tells me not now! Not exactly a "no, I don't want anymore kids" but "not now" What the heck? I certainly don't want to put another 4.5 years between B and a #6. I'm not sure what Jared's waiting for. He claims it's because we don't own a home. Well, I can respect that but it's hard to. It seems to me that he'd be willing to have another later but I'm not getting any younger here and I'd really like to do something more with my life. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to sacrifice all my wants and desires to be a stay at home mom. I think it's the best job ever! BUT, I do have some goals for my life too. Things I want to do when the kids are all school age. I don't feel like I want to delay that another several years.

Another struggle I'm having is, if I'm honest, not having a girl. I've wanted a little girl for the longest time. 4 ultrasounds told me that Tanner was a girl. What a surprise that was! I am absolutely in love with Tanner but I feel like I'm still grieving the loss of Teagan Rose. It certainly doesn't make it any easier when everybody I know is having girls lately. I'd love to be 100% happy for them, really, I would. But I feel like while I am happy for them, I am SO sad for me. Where's my girl? Jared thinks he's hilarious when he tells me I finally got my girls (the chickens!) Ha Ha. It's such a sore spot for me. I really feel like something is missing. I want a daughter to share life with. To shop with, do her hair, teach her how to talk to boys, be silly and girly with. Jared always says he "tried" to have a girl but we've never done anything different to get a girl. At least if we tried to time it for a girl we could honestly say we tried. At the very least, we'd get another beautiful boy

I am very sad lately. I love my boys dearly and would do ANYTHING for them. I would love to have another baby. Unfortunately, I won't be getting what I want. Can anyone tell me how to get over this? I cry about it everytime I think about it. I still feel like a part of our family is missing. I'm starting to think I'm getting into a depression. All Jared can say is "sorry" I feel like my heart has been crushed by him. He spent the last couple of years telling me we would have one more and I don't know if he ever meant it. I kind of want to smack him but don't know if it'd help at all. I feel like it's not fair.....I do my best to make sure he gets everything HE wants. I've never asked him for anything......

I'm hoping somebody will have some words of wisdom for me here......

13 comments:

Kelli said...

I am sorry, I don't have any words of wisdom. But thank you for sharing your heart with us and I'll pray for you.

Amie said...

That would be so frustrating to be on such different pages with your husband.

*hugs*

andria said...

I know exactly how you are feeling.

We were only going to have 2 kids and while I was in love with Adam instantly, when he was about five months old I sat in the shower until the water ran cold sobbing because I would never have a girl. I've never told anyone else that. I could've honestly clawed people's eyes out who would tell me I needed a girl. As if I controlled that?

Email me if you want to chat with someone who's felt the same way. I'll be praying that you get your own miraculous surprise.

Oh, and I totally get the even number of kid thing. Although we totally have to be done at three, I have this itch to make it four just so they divide up evenly.

Adriana Bliss said...

I can only offer you my sympathies, my blogger friend! It sounds like your husband just isn't quite where you are - perhaps in time, perhaps a miracle will come along. What's most important is to breathe deeply and wait. The plan you're meant for will soon light up, eh?

Dawn said...

Do I dare show my face here!?! I know I'm one of those having their girl now, but I do feel for you. I know I haven't been wanting and waiting nearly as long as you have...my oldest is 5...so I won't pretend I've been there. It wasn't a straight out "no more" so hopefully he will come around to your page soon. *hugs*

GingerJar said...

Pray .... you never know whats in the cards. Maybe your hubby is worried that with the economy taking a beating that he can't make enough to support everybody and do a good job. Maybe he is feeling a little insecure...you know 5 kiddo's takes a lot of time up...can we say candlelight and romance...spice it up...he might just change his mind when it's fun to "play"! Wink!

Jennifer said...

Dana,
Thank you for sharing from such deep inside your heart. The only thing I can offer is a little advice that comes from my husband's family. My mother in law always wanted 4 children but father in law wanted 3. She begged and pleaded because she too wanted an even number and in the end they had 4. But my father in law treats the 4th the harshest and you can tell that although he loves his son, he didn't want the stress, and everything else that comes along with having another child. To this day, my brother in law knows that his dad didn't really want him around and it shows. He is deeply hurt. i would hate for you to have another child and for it to feel like it wasn't wanted by one parent.
I will pray for you and hopefully your husband will come around and you will oneday have your wish of having a baby girl. You are an AMAZING, STRONG and BEAUTIFUL woman and I have learned so much from reading your blog about being a mother. You inspire me.

Ruby Red Slippers said...

Hi-I understand the part about wanting a girl, but I don't want more kids-I like organization, and the third baby has me still disorganized! So we're done. (My hub. and I agree on this one...)
But-I was SO sure I was having a girl (my pregnancy was soo different than my first two boys), I cried at the ultrasound when they said it was a girl! Then I wiped my tears, and my hub. took me shopping at Ralph Lauren to buy anything for the new baby...that helped. (I was fine the next day!) However, every time I see someone with a girl, I grieve for the future of only being a "Mother-In-Law". I have such a close relationship with my mom, and sister that the thought of not having that is scary and sad. (Who will I shop with? Talk on the phone to?? (I am praying now for my future daughter-in-laws...
You never know what the future brings for you-be in prayer-either that God will give you peace with the situation, or God will change your hub.'s mind...I wish you the best!

Truth4thejourney said...

Hey my new bloggie SITsta,

I left a post above before reading this one. So, I'm the insensitive one talking about my 5 girls (and 1 boy). Sorry about that one.

My heart is sad for you. This is a hard place to be in for you. Do you think that you've really taken the time to explain your heart to your hubby? I often expect mine to be a mind reader, he's just not.

I also am wondering if you have a relationship with the Lord? Whenever I'm feeling like depression is setting in I know that I need to spend as much time with God (reading my bible and praying) as possible. This ALWAYS works and He gives me a peace that passes understanding.

Whatever you do, don't let yourself get angry with your hubby. That will not solve anything and it will just put a wedge between both of you.

On another note, you may want to get to the root of why he has suddenly changed his mind. Just ask him and listen without saying a word. Maybe it's something you two can address and fix.

One last thing. Do they all need to be biological children for you? One of my 9 year olds is adopted from Russia. Just a thought.

I will be praying for you and your heart and marriage.

God bless,
Sonya

momto3cubs said...

Just wanted to say that I understand and felt the same way and also grieved.

I guess I got over it/accepted it somewhat as the years went by. I'm "old" now, at 38, and the constant desire to have more babies is gone.

I sometimes wonder about the ones out there that I never had.

No girls for me either. Three boys. I sometimes have a hard time around families that had two boys and then a girl.

My brother & his wife had a baby girl, and that niece is like the daughter I didn't have.

Tracey said...

It's hard admitting that, isn't it? I know I always hated it when people would go on about me "getting my girl." As if I would have loved a boy any less?

But yes. I so desperately wanted a girl. I understand... Hugs, hon.

Honey Mommy said...

Oh sweetheart, that is SO hard. Hopefully your hubby will have a change of heart when he sees how much you want it.

I have two boys right now, and I love them tons, but I still hope that I get a girl next. I know how you feel there.

Bethany said...

I know how you feel! I'm 99% certain my fifth is a fifth boy as well. :)
We are not going to be "done" having children just yet, but I think I'd rather lean towards adoption for a 6th child...the only guaranteed way to have a girl.
Because I too, haven't gotten to the point yet of knowing how to cope with the end to my story which doesn't include a daughter. I just always "knew" I'd have a daughter some day. It's a tough cookie to swallow when your "dreams" don't always come true and you can't hope anymore because the last page of your story has been read and the book is closed.
*hugs*

~Bethany
http://luckymomof4.blogspot.com