A light at the end of the tunnel.....

I visited Jake yesterday at the hospital. My mom came with me. I felt a little "vomitous" all the way there. I didn't know what to expect and I kept picturing the absolute worst. I must say, it wasn't at all what I expected. I was picturing more sterile, antiseptic, white...It was actually ok. It was minimalistic but ok. It reminded me a bit of the Alzheimers home my grandpa lived in. The walls were painted with cartoon characters and there were bible verses hanging in frames. Jake got a Cheshire cat grin on his face when he saw us come in and he just followed us to the nurses station. He didn't say anything. I finally gave him a big hug after signing in and he took Brennen to show him off to the nurses. B was SO excited to see Jake. It was cute. We only visited for about 15 minutes. We got to sit with him in his room and he told us about his days there and we asked questions. I tried to convey to him that I was NOT the one who called the police on him. I *think* he may have believed me. All in all, he seemed happy enough. One minute he was telling us that he is never getting to come home and the next minute he's saying that he's leaving on Tuesday (neither of which is true as far as I know) The other kids were all asked to line up and Jake said they were going to play bingo. He wanted us to play with him but asked and found it wasn't allowed. (I got the impression he already knew that) He turned and said,"Do you mind if I go play Bingo?" It was so cute! I said, "Of course not....go win big!" He DID make sure that I would be coming to see him again though. I'm planning on taking all the boys to see him tomorrow. That should be a good test. I am VERY nervous about him coming home. He's being great there but I need to be able to have reasonable expectations for him at home. Such as, him cleaning up after himself and showering when I ask. He's been very defiant on these types of issues at home and I just need him to comply. A residential program has been suggested by my therapist who will be attending Jake's upcoming IEP (Monday) As much as I hate the thought of my baby living away, I think it may be necessary for some real healing to occur in my home. You can't exactly clean up after a hurricane while it's still going...... For now I feel a bit better. Jared's gone this weekend getting some much needed stress relieving time riding dirt bikes with his buddy. The boys and I have been having an awesome weekend so far. Pizza and dvds last night. Me and the lil guys are heading to see Transformers tonight. Jon's visiting my great grandpa with my folks and some family that just came in from Chicago. When Jon gets home, he and I are having a late date night watching scary movies when the lil guys go to bed. I am starting to feel a little bit more like myself. It's been a LONG time since I've felt like myself, and I'm sure it'll take a long time to get me all the way back from the dark place we've all been living. Please keep sending happy thoughts and prayers our way!