slowly going insane....

Yep, that's me. I've been Tucker's nurse all week long and he's driving me nuts. I know he's in pain and all but he has not been eating or drinking much and he flat out refuses to take his pain meds because they don't taste good. Instead, he just moans and groans on the couch and wakes me up in the middle of the night crying. I feel bad for him, I really do but enough is enough already! If it hurts, take your meds! They REALLY work well when he takes them. I had to get really serious with him and told him that if he doesn't eat and drink he'll end up right back in the hospital with another dreaded IV. It's the truth! So, he's been a bit better as far as eating goes but geesh, he really needs to just take the pain meds. I think I'm just a bit snappier than normal because I've not got that lovely virus that all my boys had. Fun, fun, fun! Fever, sore throat, headache.....just lovely. I'm having a fabulous weekend. I know, you're probably thinking "at least it's the weekend and Jared can help out with the kids." I thought the same thing for a second before I remembered who my hubby is....He spent all day yesterday outside. Not helping with the baby AT ALL! I was SO upset. Man, men really can be jerks. I even told him that I need help with the kids. Instead, he stocked up on firewood because, well, there's a storm coming. Never mind that we don't have a freakin fireplace!!!! It's for his fire pit outside. THAT'S helpful! UGH, I could just strangle him.

Struggling

I've been really down lately. I'm the kind of person who likes to have a certain amount of control in her life. Not a control freak, but I like a moderate amount of control over the direction my life is headed. I have been feeling lately like my future is not something I can control. I'm talking about family. I've always wanted a large family. Some would say that I got my wish. I know I have many things to be very grateful for. Really I do. I am SO blessed to have 5 gorgeous boys. The thing that's gotten me down though is that I would love to have one more and Jared is against it. Since the beginning of our relationship, I've always said that I wanted an even number of kids. Don't know why that means anything to me but it just does. Jared was always fine with that. We had a lot of ups and downs with pregnancies and miscarriages but our family was growing and beautiful. I really thought I was done at 4 but then....SURPRISE! Brennen came along. Honestly, when I found out I was pg with Brennen, I cried! I always thought that if we had anymore, it would be planned and coordinated to give us the best chances of having a little something pink. That was not to be. Jared has told me since Brennen's birth that "Of course we can have another and try to work the odds in our favor" Not that having a daughter is the end all, be all but IF timing could be manipulated so we got a girl....great! If not, then oh well, we tried and our family would be complete.

Lately, I have been feeling like we need to just do it.....complete our family. Jared tells me that he doesn't want another one right now. WHAT?!?! This is the first time....EVER, that I've felt like my biological clock is ticking and he tells me not now! Not exactly a "no, I don't want anymore kids" but "not now" What the heck? I certainly don't want to put another 4.5 years between B and a #6. I'm not sure what Jared's waiting for. He claims it's because we don't own a home. Well, I can respect that but it's hard to. It seems to me that he'd be willing to have another later but I'm not getting any younger here and I'd really like to do something more with my life. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to sacrifice all my wants and desires to be a stay at home mom. I think it's the best job ever! BUT, I do have some goals for my life too. Things I want to do when the kids are all school age. I don't feel like I want to delay that another several years.

Another struggle I'm having is, if I'm honest, not having a girl. I've wanted a little girl for the longest time. 4 ultrasounds told me that Tanner was a girl. What a surprise that was! I am absolutely in love with Tanner but I feel like I'm still grieving the loss of Teagan Rose. It certainly doesn't make it any easier when everybody I know is having girls lately. I'd love to be 100% happy for them, really, I would. But I feel like while I am happy for them, I am SO sad for me. Where's my girl? Jared thinks he's hilarious when he tells me I finally got my girls (the chickens!) Ha Ha. It's such a sore spot for me. I really feel like something is missing. I want a daughter to share life with. To shop with, do her hair, teach her how to talk to boys, be silly and girly with. Jared always says he "tried" to have a girl but we've never done anything different to get a girl. At least if we tried to time it for a girl we could honestly say we tried. At the very least, we'd get another beautiful boy

I am very sad lately. I love my boys dearly and would do ANYTHING for them. I would love to have another baby. Unfortunately, I won't be getting what I want. Can anyone tell me how to get over this? I cry about it everytime I think about it. I still feel like a part of our family is missing. I'm starting to think I'm getting into a depression. All Jared can say is "sorry" I feel like my heart has been crushed by him. He spent the last couple of years telling me we would have one more and I don't know if he ever meant it. I kind of want to smack him but don't know if it'd help at all. I feel like it's not fair.....I do my best to make sure he gets everything HE wants. I've never asked him for anything......

I'm hoping somebody will have some words of wisdom for me here......

Forced vacation

I am going on a forced vacation tomorrow night. Not that I'm not looking forward to it. I am. I know it'll be fun. BUT, it's always a lot of work.....for the mom anyway. Sometimes it sucks to be the mom. Anyhow, I call it a forced vacation because I more than likely wouldn't be going anywhere if my house wasn't getting tented for termites. YUCK, I know! As I've said before, we rent from my folks and we all live on the same property. My dad is getting both houses tented so unless I want to shell out major (don't have) bucks to take the kids to a hotel for several days, I must go to Tahoe. My mom and dad have a condo there and my mom was going to be going anyway. She always invites us along so we are heading to Tahoe tomorrow night. Jared's not going being that he has to work and all......he'll be staying at my brother's house. I'm really looking forward to the time with just my boys though because Jared's been topping my Sh*t list for about a week now and I can really use the time away. This trip has been drastically altered though by Tanner getting staples in his head. I had invisioned a lovely time, lounging poolside, playing cards or reading while the older 4 swam and the baby napped. Now that picture is more like me and Tanner battling it out with games of War or Go Fish! So much for the dream. I think I'll still have me a bottle of some sort in my hand though......
If I knew how to do scheduled posts, I might attempt to write a few but my computer skills are shoddy at best. I'll consider myself lucky if this post even manages to make it on my blog...... Ok, maybe that's overdoing it a bit. I better run, I have TONS of food and stuff that must be packed up in order to get the termiting stuff done......WHAT A HUGE ORDEAL! I think I'll just take a lot of it to Tahoe though because then I don't have to buy as much there...... Still though...not looking forward to the chores ahead of me!

He's driving me insane!

Jared! He's driving me absolutely crazy. He has his own business and I do all the bookwork for him. He is constantly forgetting to tell me about new customers and work that's been done which makes it nearly impossible to accurately bill people. His lack of communication has lost him accounts....more than once. It's driving me bonkers and he doesn't seem to really think it's a big deal. I'm ready to wring his neck! Not only that but when it comes time to bill the customers (monthly) he never gets me the info I need on time so most often, the billing goes out late which means the money comes in late.....then I have no money when our bills are due! Any advice on how to get a clam to open up?!?! AaahhHHHHh!

very frustrating

While DH (Jared) is wonderful at running his own business, I only wish he was 1/2 as good at doing the family thing. I'm getting SO tired of him not actually being HERE when he's here. He started his own business so he'd not only have more money but he'd have more TIME for his family. And now, what does he do? When he's at home, if his phone rings and it's a business call (it ALWAYS is) he takes it! We're in therapy with Jake, he takes calls.... I'm trying to help him take his truck into the shop this morning for some warranty work, he's on the phone. He gets in the car with me and I'm telling him about the phone call I just got from Jake and....midsentence he cuts me off and makes a call! I am just furious about this! I feel like it's just so rude! Any advice on how to make him be a little more "with us" when he's with us? I think maybe I just need to stop including him in our plans because it feels like such a personal rejection when he blows us off all the time......