WOW! Where'd the time go?

It's been longer than long since I last posted on my blog. I got a little caught up in daily life with 6 boys and facebook was just more efficient. I'm going to try blogging again. Things have been SUPER busy as you can well imagine. (With 6 boys, it's sort of a given) The boys are growing like weeds and soon enough, one of my children will have reached adulthood! Honestly, I think this must be a mistake because I'm nowhere near old enough to have an 18 year old. It's just all sorts of wrong. But, it's happening. The boys are 17, 15, 13, 9, 5 and 2. Very busy and oh so handsome. I don't have a whole lot to report just now but thought I'd post a little something since I'm confined to the house with cootie riddled kids. So, I'm back, I'm busy but I'm going to try to keep up the blog.....

here's what's going on....

With only 10 short days to go until my due date, I'd love to report that there's something going on but....well, I just can't. I don't think this baby will be early OR on time. I think he's going to be another late arrival. My boys have ALL been late. I'd love to know any tried and true ideas for going into labor. I'm telling you...the novelty has worn off by now. I'm not particularly uncomfortable, just tired of this big, clumsy body. I'm ready to move on to the next chapter in this story....
I'm guessing he'll be here on the 10th. Anybody else want to venture a guess?
Here's what I've had SO far....
Jon- 3 days late. 10lbs 22.5"
Jake- induced 6 days early because docs thought he'd be BIGGER than Jon! 8lb10oz 21"
Tucker- 7 days late. 9lb14oz 21"
Tanner- induced 8 days late. 9lbs11oz 20.5"
Brennen- induced 7 days late. 9lbs. I have NO idea how long he was because they didn't even give me one of those little cards! BUMMER.
I sometimes think this boy will be really big because he's SO strong but then I figure if he still has so much room to be a little hellion, maybe he's on the smaller side? WHO KNOWS! I'm really looking forward to finding out.


In other news...and there's plenty of that with 5 boys...
Jon left this morning at 6am for Boy Scout advance camp. He's working on more merit badges. When he returns, he'll be home for Monday and then Tuesday morning he leaves to be a camp counselor for 5th grade outdoor ed. He took it upon himself to look into the program, apply and all. He's really excited! He's also been working really hard in school this year and I'm SO proud to announce that he currently has ALL A's and B's. I think it was 4 A's and 2 B's! He rocks. He's always been extremely intelligent and I'm so glad that he's focusing on grades instead of just girls. Don't get me wrong, he's still TOTALLY into girls but he understands that grades ARE important. Thank GOD!

Jake is doing pretty well in 8th grade this year. The school changed his schedule and he had a class he didn't like so he took it upon himself to switch it. I am so proud of him for being so independent and being an advocate for himself. He is now in drama which he LOVES! The girls really love Jake too and I am happy to say that he is NOT so into girls! Whew! I certainly don't need 2 hormone driven boys! Jake seems to have adapted very well to full time public school and he's got lots of friends. He's getting more and more independent. I'm able to have him skateboard from school to karate 2 days a week so my job is much easier. Jake's also been working for an organic farmer harvesting veggies. He really loves the work. He and Jon both work there but Jake is always the first to step up when the farmer calls last minute needing help. He's there as we speak...working his first Farmer's Market. Hopefully they give him a raise soon. (they started him lower than Jon because he was slower but he's been busting his lil butt trying to impress them) I must say, I'm very proud of him and his work ethic.

Tucker is having some independence forced on him and he's rather unwilling. He's in 5th grade now and it's a bit more serious. He's got lots of book reports and a research project to do this year. All very daunting tasks for a boy who doesn't want to take responsibility for anything. He's still somewhat immature and I do worry about him but I have to just push him to do his best and to really step up and be the responsible kid that he needs to be. I'm so grateful that we held him back years ago because if he were actually starting middle school this year, I think he'd just die. He's been doing really well with his karate and is participating in another tournament today! Last time he took first place in sparring so hopefully he'll do really well. If he can remember his form, maybe, just maybe, he'll earn a trophy this time. He really has taken to karate and I think it's been VERY good for him. It's nice for him to have something that Jake isn't involved in so he's not at all in Jake's shadow.

Tanner is having a pretty good 2nd grade year. He had to get back on his ADHD meds. I haven't been able to get him in to get more allergy treatments. I think if he were to be treated for all of his allergies, he may not need his meds. BUT, it's so expensive and all of the boys have allergies so I can't just focus on Tanner. Luckily his ADHD meds really work and his teacher is very impressed with his willingness to learn. He's had a couple run ins with some hyper boy at school but he's been very mature about it and I think the problem is solved. He just started Cub Scouts again for the year and so far, he's loving it. Jared's been taking him which I think makes a huge difference. He really needs time with his dad and I'm glad that Jared's been able to give him that time.

Brennen has been a terd. To put it bluntly. He knows that Mommy is tired and much slower and he's taking FULL ADVANTAGE of that. Won't he be surprised after the baby's born when I can really run again?! As my due date approaches, he's getting increasingly naughty. I don't think it really helps that he's been really suffering from seasonal allergies. He's just not being the good boy that he normally is. I've been working on setting up some play dates for him with his aunties once the baby is here. I think he's going to definitely need some one on one attention and I know I won't be as able to give him that right away. I'm most nervous about him. He is very much a Momma's boy. He falls asleep evey night snuggling with me and if he wakes up, he always wants me. UGH! Hopefully Jared will really step up and help out with Brennen because I just cannot do it all.

So, that's my life story.......Hopefully, very soon, I will have another person to write about at the end......

It would shock my pants off!

Last night, I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that Branson was born, only he was missing the very essence of his Branson-ness......his penis! Yes, in my dream, Kaiser was once again wrong about the sex of my baby. Instead of having the boy that they told me I was having, I actually had a girl. The odd thing is, my mom knows of 2 people that this has actually happened to. I guess maybe I should get a 4D ultrasound.....just to be sure!

Really though, how weird would that be?!?!?

Anybody know of anyone that that's happened to?

Ultrasound findings....

I know the suspense must be KILLING you all! Let me just start by saying that the people at Kaiser are pure evil. My appt was scheduled for 10am but I had to wait until 10:45! You don't make somebody wait 45 min after making them drink a dang GALLON of water! UGH!

So, all is good....baby is healthy and happy and measuring about a week farther along than my dates say. Not that I AM farther along, I just am notorious for having BIG baby boys. And this will be NO exception. Yep, you read that right....another big, fat BOY! My six pack is complete....I can start the party now.

I really had a feeling it was a boy. So, I figured, either I'm right, or I'm super lucky. It's win/win really. And I do love being right.

Thanks all for your happy thoughts and prayers.

I got some great profile shots. He looks a lot like Brennen already with a round face and a round ole Charlie Brown head. No mistaking it though.....he's ALL boy!

Oh Happy DAY!

I hope all you Moms out there have a happy and healthy Mother's Day. I hope your families spoil you rotten and you feel like the queen that you are.


Oh, and if you haven't put in your two cents on this baby's gender yet.....today is your last day to vote!

ULTRASOUND tomorrow. At 10 am.....THINK PINK!!!!!!

Give it your best guess.....I won't hold you accountable if you're wrong!

Let me start this by just saying how unhappy I am with my computer right now. It's acting all kinds of crazy. Now, maybe I'm delusional but I strongly belive that when I push a button on my computer, it should just go ahead and do what it's been programmed to do. Instead, it's freezing up and giving me the "not responding" message. Man, obviously my computer is a boy.....


Anyhoo, the point of this post was to ask you to take a peek at the question to your immediate right. See that little poll? Go ahead, take a wild guess. It's a 50/50 shot that you'll be right.

As for those of you who've voted already....thanks! I must say, I like where the majority of you are going with your "gut" Those of you who voted boy....shame on you! Where is the positive thinking there? With that being said, I thank you for your honesty. I cannot, after all, see who voted what.....you know who you are.

As for me. I have very mixed feelings on the subject. Many have asked if this pregnancy feels different. Well, yeah, but I'm, you know, older now..... I would love to say that I have a feeling it's a girl. I sort of do but cannot tell if that's just my desire or a real "feeling". I fully expect to see a penis on this baby as my track record seems to be chock full of them. Brennen seems to be convinced that he's having a sister so I guess for now, I'll go with that.

There are many things that may lead a superstitious person to believe it's a girl.
1. I've never had a baby born in an odd year. 2009 is definitely NOT an even number.
2. I've never given birth while I am an even age...(I am now and will be in October)
3. Tanner was *supposedly* a girl according to ALL of his numerous ultrasounds and Brennen was born with an undescended testicle. Some may say we're getting closer to NO testicles!
4. I only have a boys name picked out. With Tanner and Brennen, I could only think of girls names...hence the funny trick karma decided to play!

So, vote! Not that your votes will actually SWAY the final result. But it's sort of fun to see who was right and who was wrong. And I fully expect after my ultrasound results that you will all fess up to just how you voted.

May....the month that rivals Christmas in terms of $$$

May is ALWAYS a busy month here in my house. In just 10 days I hope to find out if my dream of having a daughter will be fulfilled or if I will be forced to wait for the daughters in law....

In just 11 more days, Tucker will be 11! He's got major preteen attitude flaring up already. So much so, that he may have to *skip* the party this year.

In a mere 23 days, I will become mother to a 15!!!! year old!!! (YIKES! Not too much longer until this one's driving!)

In 27 short days, my little Tanner will be 7! I know the experts say that 7 is the age of reasoning. I think Tanner may need a couple of extra years. He's still impulsive and odd in a fun eccentric sort of way.

I hope your May isn't going to be as insanely busy as mine!

And life takes another turn.....

Some of you may remember how I was struggling with this issue back in October....if not, do read, it helps with the sense making. Well, I had a feeling something like this may end up happening and wouldn't you know, I was right. I really wish I could have done it all according to plan but, hey, apparently it IS according to plan....just not mine. I have to give God the credit because I realize how insignificantly little I really know compared to him so I'll leave it in his capable hands and know he'll help me out. So, if you haven't guessed by now......I had the "Lucky 7" but now, "8 is DEFINITELY enough!" Since the cat is out of the bag and my brothers, sisters and kids already know, I thought I'd share it with the entire blogging world. We are expecting #6. I AM excited because what's not to love about a new baby. A new person to add a whole new dimension to your life. A new personality to know and love. Boy oh Boy though am I ever thinking pink. It's funny how God works if you really think about it. In late January, I woke up very early one morning having just had the most incredible dream. It was more of a revelation really. I FINALLY understood my insanely strong need for a girl. Ok, I know it'll all sound so simple and you'll wonder why I didn't get it earlier but for whatever reason....I just didn't put all the peices together. When I was pg with Tanner, 4 ultrasounds told me he was a girl. Since I always wanted 3 boys then a girl, I was over the moon excited with my sheer luck. I thought for sure this was karma rewarding me for something good. When he was born and, obviously a boy, I was immediately in love with him but still so sad. Where did my daughter go. In an attempt to have it all together, I never really was allowed the time to grieve. I developed PPD about 6 mos later but now I don't believe that was really what it was. I think that when you have a beautiful new baby, people expect you to be happy so I was never given the opportunity to mourn and I've just always felt like a piece of my heart was missing. THAT was why I had the insane need for a girl....I think I've been looking for that lost piece for a long time. After that, I talked to Jared and my mom to explain it to them. I cried and cried as I told them but you know what? I felt much better afterwards. I was very content with my lot in life of being a boy only mom and I was ready to move on. I still would have liked to have a girl but I could understand and respect Jared's opinions without inserting so much raw emotion. That being said, shortly after I found out I was pregnant! Friday, February 13th to be exact. To say I was SHOCKED would be an understatement. I felt terrible like Jared would think I had done something purposeful to get my way. He didn't. I can't say that he's jumped on the happy bandwagon yet but I'm going to let that be his issue. I feel like this one could be a girl....that's my gut feeling. BUT, I could do a whole lot worse than another beautiful boy and let's face it....I've posted their pictures and they are absolutely gorgeous. I will be 4 mos tomorrow. I am over the morning sickness but still having stomach issues. I am doing my damndest to really soak in every bit of this last time. This will be the last time and I know that already which I think makes it easier. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. I can't say I'd mind to terribly if you all want to go ahead and think pink for me though.......

I feel like this post is very jumbled and long so I hope it's understandable!

Update

It's been quite some time since I've really posted anything. I thought maybe I should post an update since there is so much going on.

Jon has been really focusing on his grades lately. I have to say that I am VERY proud of him. He brought home a 3.0 for his first high school semester! I know he could've done much better and after seeing the progress he made with just a tiny bit of effort, he's finally decided that it's worth his time to just go ahead and try hard the whole time. This is a huge step for him and I hope it sticks.

Jake has been transitioning to public education. This is his second try at this. It's very difficult for him to go from the sheltered, minimal amounts of work, lots of therapy to just regular school. He's managing to fit in well. His grades leave a lot to be desired but we're finding he has some holes in his skills. Luckily the school he's going in to is VERY willing to work with him. He's now spending half his day at regular school and the second half at his private school. He should be full time in middle school by April! Jake also just landed a Macy's job. The only catch is it may only appear in Hawaii! If not, he'll be in the Macy's one day May Day sale! Look for him!

Tucker has started taking meds for ADHD. He was having some focus problems in school which may be due to his recently diagnosed Sleep Apnea. He's been doing amazingly well with the meds. It's even helped him recognize how it's not always in his best interest to align himself with big bro Jake. Tucker is due to have his surgery on Tuesday the 17th. Tonsils and Adnoids are coming out. He will have to spend one night in the hospital to be monitored but then he'll be home. Pray that all goes well and he makes a speedy recovery. Who knows, he may not even need the meds afterwards!

Tanner has also started meds. Docs think most of his problem is depression. I think it's environmental. Living with Jake is tough. I feel it too.... BUT, I see him struggling with school and if just ONE thing can be made easier for him, I'm all for it. We've been noticing great changes in him an his happiness and focus at school. Not so much at home as with Tucker though, but it's still good.

Brennen is COMPLETELY potty trained! He was SO easy. He hasn't had in accident in the longest time and he rarely wakes up wet in the morning. He's wearing pull ups at night but I think it's just about time to ditch those. I've also discovered that I was making bedtime more difficult than neccessary by rocking him. One night while trying to get him to settle down, I told him that if he didn't stop squirming, I was going to put him in his bed. He said, "Please put me in bed Mom!" I did and he went right to sleep! Man, all those tough nights....when all the poor kid wanted was the peace and quiet of his own bed! I do find though that he's not too happy to go to bed unless I'm in MY bed too. Most nights that works out fine though.

The guys have also just gotten over some nasty virus. It looks just like strep throat. Fevers, RED throat, miserable. Lasted 2-5 days and was gone. Unfortunately it hit our house in two rounds. Tanner and Brennen had it two weeks ago. Jake and Tucker had it last week. Jon seems fine. He's always healthy. Lucky dog!

Well, I think that's about it for here! What's new with you?

Miraculous!

Thank God! My boys have been cohabitating for several days now and they are BOTH still alive! Very much so, as a matter of fact. Why didn't I do this sooner? There has been peace between the two. There have been shared jokes at the dinner table and LAUGHTER! Yes, laughter, at MY table! Between Jake and TUCKER! I'm still waiting for all hell to break loose but they seem to have turned a corner. By they, I mean Jake. He's been so much happier! It's amazing! Tucker's always been a big fan of Jake's so the fact that he's going along with the good vibes is no big surprise. I am just estatic over this change.

Now if I could just get Tanner's ADHD results and some meds for him.....

Well, I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too, huh?

It has HIT the fan!

Yesterday, during the short car ride to drop the boys at their various schools, Jake and Tucker were literally trying to KILL each other. This is not the first time these two have gotten into it physically but it may very well be the last time. I decided then and there that my "24/7" plan was going in to effect. When Jon and Jake used to fight when they were younger, there were times when I would actually strap them together, forcing them to learn to work together. It always worked. SO, I've decided to go back to my parenting roots and am doing the same thing with Jake and Tucker. Last night, after MUCH effort from my and Jared's part, the boys are now roommates. Jake is PISSED, to say the least. I had wanted to sit him down and tell him once Jared got home but Tanner being Tanner, let it slip. Holy cow! Jake flipped out and demolished his room. It was the craziest I think I've ever seen him. BUT, I've decided that I'm not cutting him any slack any more and he was made to clean it up. I think overall, I WILL get the desired results. Failure isn't an option for me. He WILL behave in a kind way to Tucker. I am so sick of him picking on Tucker. They're both grounded until next Thursday so they will have nothing but time to spend with each other. Pray for us! This could get real ugly.

nonstop talking....

Brennen's speech was already really amazing but lately, he's really taken off talking. He's speaking in full sentences and makes so much sense. It's scary how logically thinking he is....He may be more reasonable than all the others put together. Here are a few of our recent conversations and a funny story....

The other night, Brennen and I were sharing a bit of ice cream. He noticed rather quickly that a bit dripped on my sweatshirt....
"Jake, get a towel, Mommy's dripping!"
He was frantic for that dang towel. Jake asked, "what should I do?"
"Geesh, get the boy a towel!"
He did and Brennen went right to work rubbing that spot out!

Last night as we snuggled in my bed (yes, MY bed....don't ask!) Brennen (who has to wrap his arms around me somehow) leaned over and said, "I yuv you Mommy."
"You love me?"
"Yep! You a good boy."
"I'm a good boy?"
"ah, yeah"
"Oh, you're a good boy too honey"

Every morning when Brennen first wakes up and comes upstairs, he makes it a point to say hello to each and every brother....TOO cute!

Now for the story....it's a gross one.
Last night, Brennen came walking over to the couch, climbed up on my lap and proceeded to put something in his mouth. I wasn't really paying attention to what it was as the boys are always giving him treats. Well, when he started spitting it out and telling me it was yucky, I checked out what it was......
Note: Bunny poo does NOT taste as good as it looks!
Yes, I know, so gross! I gave him a huge glass of water to drink and brushed his teeth. So far, he's not too sick!

B's doctor visit

Brennen had his well check today. The peanut is only 24lbs! He is BY FAR my smallest baby. Jon was 28lbs at just 12 months! Brennen is 34" now....we're pushing 3'!! The doctor did a strep test because he's been somewhat cranky, not sleeping or eating well, intermittent fevers and a red throat. I'm not convinced that it's strep...I think it's due to cutting those 2yr old molars. He was cranky with most of his teeth. But, better safe than sorry. God knows I don't need a housefull of sick boys! Especially not during Christmas break! Yep, it's started....the boys are off for the next two weeks. If I seem somewhat scattered and frazzeled, you'll understand why!

How ready are you?

So, the holidays are quickly approaching....how ready are you?
Do you have your shopping done?
Do you have your tree?
Is it decorated?
Do you send Christmas cards?
Have you sent them yet?
Do you take holiday pictures?
Any holiday parties coming up?
Holiday traditions you just can't live without?
Do you open presents on Christmas Eve or just Christmas day?

I just want to know how behind I am! I have been trying to get the boys to clean up their rooms today so we can get the decorations down and deck the halls....they don't want to clean up. They DO want to decorate but they don't want to clean up.....makes NO sense to me!

So not good....

The photo session did NOT go perfectly. No, it did not. In fact, I do believe that the monkeys completely took over the zoo. It was almost painful. Why is it so hard to get just ONE.DECENT.PICTURE!?!?! There was one that was SO great. Brennen looked absolutely angelic, Tanner looked basically beautiful, Tucker looked casually cute, Jon looked daringly dashing and Jake looked....Ok, Jake was Jake the JOKER! They all looked SO perfect, complete eye contact with the camera and everything until your eye gets to Jake who has the cheesiest, let's-see-how-big-my-smile-can-be-and-how-tight-I-can-squeeze-my-eyes-shut, look on his face! UGH! In the end I guess I did get some that I can hang on my wall. Someday, when I look at that photo, I may even forget the chaos that was that moment! It just went SO differently in my head.


I'll post them when I get them...... You'll see what I mean!

It's picture day!

I've scheduled and rescheduled our family pictures about 4 times now. Today is the day. Brennen no longer has bruises on his forehead, Jared's scraped up nose is all better, the runny noses are minimal, I, of course, broke out for the occasion but can luckily put on makeup..... This is our first family (of 7) picture! It's the ONLY thing I want for Christmas and I can hardly wait! Please help me out and pray for the photographer to be patient, with a sense of humor. Pray that the boys are happy and not homicidal! This could be really bad......think good thoughts for me!

Whew!

What a whirlwind of activity this week has been! It started off rather awesomely with me being the SITS Featured Blogger! If you don't know what that is, see the Secret is in the Sauce button on my sidebar. FABULOUS group! Tuesday I had Tucker's IEP. It went really well in my opinion and we are coming up with some good strategies to help him make the most of his schooling. He tends to be a very hands on kid so sitting still, at a desk, and learning quitely is somewhat difficult for him. On Wednesday I had Jake's IEP. That went REALLY well! Jake is ready to transition back to regular public ed school! He will be starting at the local middle school on DECEMBER 1ST! WOW! He will have 2 periods there to start and we will gradually add more, extending his day at public ed while decreasing his day at his Special Day Treatment facility. He got glowing reviews from his teachers and therapists and the director actually got a bit choked up just thinking about Jake leaving them. It was really cool. He is a SO happy. We celebrated last night with grape cider and watched Iron Man. It was fun. Today I had the last of the school meetings (YEAH!) Tanner is doing really well for the most part. He too is the kind of boy who just can't sit still though so that is a struggle for him. I don't know if I mentioned before that I am having him tested for ADHD. I'm pretty sure he qualifies. If you've ever seen Dennis the Menace, you know my son Tanner! Tonight Jon has his ceremony for Brownsea (boy scouts) He did the leadership training over the summer and he is getting some extra recognition for completing additional tasks on his own. I'm very proud of him! I just wish he would act more like a good role model at home with his brothers! Don't get me wrong, he's a great kid and we have a really good relationship....he just tends to be short tempered with brothers and Dad. Could be a teenage thing but I'm not crazy about it. Tomorrow, Tucker and Tanner have no school so we're going to go see Bolt. They're pretty excited about that and honestly, the big guys couldn't care less if they miss it. Next week, poor Jake has school M-W but the others are all off.

How about you? Do your kids have school next week? Are you doing parent teacher conferences yet? Does it feel like Christmas is right around the corner? Are you AT ALL prepared for the holiday season?

It's OVER!

Fall sports that is! While the games are great fun to watch, the practices were starting to take it's toll on me. With Jon, Tucker AND Tanner playing, it was a lot of work for dear old mom. Jon had football M-F with games on Thursday. Tucker and Tanner had practices on Thursdays with games on Saturdays. It was a tight, hectic, all over the place schedule for me but I did the best I could. I am SO glad it's over. I think they all had fun. I'm not sure if Tuck and Tan will play soccer again next year even though they seemed to enjoy it. They seem ambivalent about the whole thing. Oh well, I guess we don't need to discuss it now anyways. Jon probably won't play football next year. He had SO many injuries this year that he only got to play in ONE actual game. Luckily they do a 5th quarter where all the rest of the team gets a chance to play. I think it was a humbling experience for my boy who always wanted to go pro.


Me, I'm very much looking forward to lazy nights at home, curled up with my guys either playing a game (I've been stocking up on board games from thrift stores) or watching a good flick. I am already planning some fabulous family meals. It was next to impossible to sit down together with our previous schedule. Tucker and Tanner are still doing karate classes which was only adding to my stress level. It was just a bit too much all at once. Ahhh, to have a minute to breathe. How relaxing!

What about you and your family? Do you or your kids participate in sports? Are they over yet? Are you looking forward to the free time or are you signing them up for the next busy activity?

and so begins another week......

This weekend was a chaotic mess and I'm more than happy to get back to the ebb and flow of the school week. I would say that my children were in rare form this weekend but that would be a lie. My children were very much themselves. SO much so that I cancelled the "Family Fun" event that we were to participate in at my mother in law's house. I just couldn't fathom rewarding them with a fun filled day when they were having to be pulled off of each other all morning. I mean, they started out fighting and then it just went downhill from there. SO, we didn't do the fun day. Instead, we sat home....cleaning, having time outs, just generally being unhappy. Someday, I think my kids will understand that their behavior is just not ok.

Anywho, we are starting another week and we're not off to a great start. Tucker forgot his viola so I will have to run that to school....or maybe not. Maybe he just needs to learn his lesson the hard way. I haven't decided just yet.

Tanner is HOME from school already. He did go but I got a call saying he wasn't feeling well. He's fever free but is sort of pale. Not sure what's going on with him but he's very teary over the possibility of not feeling well enough to go on his field trip tomorrow.

Brennen is being his normal self which is good and bad. Some of you will be happy to hear that he is NOT a perfect child after all. I know, I know, but he looks SO perfect. Let me tell you, he'll be 2 in a couple of months and you sure can tell. He's getting a bit of an independent streak! He's still very good though and seriously, so dang cute!

Jake had minimum days all week last week so this week will be a bit easier. I finally managed to find all the pieces for his costume and he's going to look fabulous! I'm not going to give away what he's being....but I CAN say that I managed to find all the pieces of his outfit at secondhand stores. SCORE!

Jon is Jon. Never really gives me any troubles. He figured out what he wants to be for Halloween and we picked up his stuff secondhand as well. SO MUCH CHEAPER! PLUS, I like to have my kids costumes be original, even if the idea is not. I hate seeing all the store bought costumes out there.....where's the imagination?!

That's all for now.....

Struggling

I've been really down lately. I'm the kind of person who likes to have a certain amount of control in her life. Not a control freak, but I like a moderate amount of control over the direction my life is headed. I have been feeling lately like my future is not something I can control. I'm talking about family. I've always wanted a large family. Some would say that I got my wish. I know I have many things to be very grateful for. Really I do. I am SO blessed to have 5 gorgeous boys. The thing that's gotten me down though is that I would love to have one more and Jared is against it. Since the beginning of our relationship, I've always said that I wanted an even number of kids. Don't know why that means anything to me but it just does. Jared was always fine with that. We had a lot of ups and downs with pregnancies and miscarriages but our family was growing and beautiful. I really thought I was done at 4 but then....SURPRISE! Brennen came along. Honestly, when I found out I was pg with Brennen, I cried! I always thought that if we had anymore, it would be planned and coordinated to give us the best chances of having a little something pink. That was not to be. Jared has told me since Brennen's birth that "Of course we can have another and try to work the odds in our favor" Not that having a daughter is the end all, be all but IF timing could be manipulated so we got a girl....great! If not, then oh well, we tried and our family would be complete.

Lately, I have been feeling like we need to just do it.....complete our family. Jared tells me that he doesn't want another one right now. WHAT?!?! This is the first time....EVER, that I've felt like my biological clock is ticking and he tells me not now! Not exactly a "no, I don't want anymore kids" but "not now" What the heck? I certainly don't want to put another 4.5 years between B and a #6. I'm not sure what Jared's waiting for. He claims it's because we don't own a home. Well, I can respect that but it's hard to. It seems to me that he'd be willing to have another later but I'm not getting any younger here and I'd really like to do something more with my life. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to sacrifice all my wants and desires to be a stay at home mom. I think it's the best job ever! BUT, I do have some goals for my life too. Things I want to do when the kids are all school age. I don't feel like I want to delay that another several years.

Another struggle I'm having is, if I'm honest, not having a girl. I've wanted a little girl for the longest time. 4 ultrasounds told me that Tanner was a girl. What a surprise that was! I am absolutely in love with Tanner but I feel like I'm still grieving the loss of Teagan Rose. It certainly doesn't make it any easier when everybody I know is having girls lately. I'd love to be 100% happy for them, really, I would. But I feel like while I am happy for them, I am SO sad for me. Where's my girl? Jared thinks he's hilarious when he tells me I finally got my girls (the chickens!) Ha Ha. It's such a sore spot for me. I really feel like something is missing. I want a daughter to share life with. To shop with, do her hair, teach her how to talk to boys, be silly and girly with. Jared always says he "tried" to have a girl but we've never done anything different to get a girl. At least if we tried to time it for a girl we could honestly say we tried. At the very least, we'd get another beautiful boy

I am very sad lately. I love my boys dearly and would do ANYTHING for them. I would love to have another baby. Unfortunately, I won't be getting what I want. Can anyone tell me how to get over this? I cry about it everytime I think about it. I still feel like a part of our family is missing. I'm starting to think I'm getting into a depression. All Jared can say is "sorry" I feel like my heart has been crushed by him. He spent the last couple of years telling me we would have one more and I don't know if he ever meant it. I kind of want to smack him but don't know if it'd help at all. I feel like it's not fair.....I do my best to make sure he gets everything HE wants. I've never asked him for anything......

I'm hoping somebody will have some words of wisdom for me here......